my first client
After my retreat in Turkey I had this feeling that everything would land. Clients. A space to work out of. Beautiful community. All of it. I didn't have a proper timeline for when and how things would land for me but my intuition told me they would. However, there was a deeper part of me that wanted that landing to happen a certain way. I wanted my story to go how I saw it in my head. I thought I'd have x amount of clients by now. I thought I’d feel more momentum and grounded within the work. But after nearly eight months in New York I noticed I’ve been pushing myself and my entire weight, the entire weight of my Spirit and body solely through my willpower. Resting my entire weight there and saying “carry me.” Asking my will to carry me - carry my body mind and spirit.
There's something that clenches within me when I talk about my will. A grit. An anger almost. This undeniable feeling of ‘I will not be broken;’ and in expressing that I feel myself soften.
I break.
I break in a controlled way.
I break in accordance with how I feel I should break and then I break some more.
and I break some more.
and I start to lose control of my breaking points… of this decomposition. Wondering when my will breaks … should I know myself more?
Or will there be no more left of “me?”
I had an idea about how things would go.
My therapist said “you can't just move to New York, prop up a sign in your front yard, and expect clients to roll through.” Hm but I’m incredibly grateful for my “delusions.” I have a vision. A vision of purpose and spirit. A vision that's larger than myself and rests within the center of my chest. Like an old TV with the antennas, I adjust when I'm lost; tweaking them and searching for service. Clearing static. Static that’s often not mine but a tangled web of mom and dad’s stuff. Lady on the bus. A hot hot city that’ll never forgive me.
I'm my first client.
I’m my first client and I feel I've lost myself in so many ways - within the midst of establishing a new identity, the turbulence of everything around me - new city, new jobs, new people. It has at times brought me off course. I like to envision identity creation as a boat at sea. Lately my waters have been treacherous, confusing and not super smooth. I'm in the middle of the ocean and I have an undeniable will. I feel if my will breaks my boat breaks. So I must continue and continue until I feel established in this new identity; in this newly found purpose.
Until I have a place to dock my boat 🚣🏽